Posted on: 08 Jul 2012
Tagged by: pre-marital relationships
Bismillah Ar Rahman Ar Raheem
As Muslims, we all go through our fair share of trials and hardships in
this world. Allah tests us with these trials and hardships to test our
belief in Him and to always come back to Him and ask for forgiveness and
guidance. But sometimes, a Muslim may slip up. A Muslim may be ignorant
or just for whatever reason, decides to be disobedient. As Muslims and
human beings, we sin a lot. However, some sins are more dangerous than
others and can have long-term or even life-long effects on a person.
These sins are specially dangerous because these sins are hard to move
away from. For example, smoking a cigarette is a sin and is hard to stop
due to its addictive nature. Masturbation is another disgusting sin
that is hard to stop because the urge to sexually relief oneself is too
great to ignore. There is one particular sin that I would like to
discuss as I personally think that is one of the most dangerous sin
compared to most. It is a sin that affects a person emotionally,
physically, mentally, and sexually. It is a sin with many excuses and it
affects the Muslim youth in colleges and Islamic organizations the
most. I call it, the "Muslimized relationship".
Now what is a Muslimized relationship? It's like a boy/girlfriend
relationship that non-Muslims have but with a few exceptions. These
exceptions would be any physical contact such as holding hands in
public. Another exception would be the sexual aspect of the relationship
as most Muslims Alhamdulilah would never go as far as to do that.
However, if they continue this Muslimized relationship, they just might.
So in a Muslimzed relationship, the people involved won't ever make it
official that they are together, nor will they act like they are
together in public. You see, this is a secret relationship. Yea some
people might tell their close friends, but these friends will keep the
secret and won't go as far as to tell the local Muslim community in
their school, job, neighborhood, Masjid, etc.
Believe it or not, one of the reasons these people even get into this
relationship is because they know that their parents would never allow
them to marry anyone other than their local community back at their
homeland country or even within the same block! So they get into this
relationship because they think that they only have a few years to
experience what "true love" feels like before getting into a marriage
they don't want to get into. On the other hand, people get into a
relationship thinking that both of their parents will approve of them
and that they can get married in the future. This is very risky and both
will be in for a rude awakening if one of the parents don't approve.
I'll talk about that later.
Although the relationship itself is haram, that's not the most dangerous
part of the sin. The dangerous part is how the sin affects you
long-term. This is the purpose of this article and this is what I am
going to talk about in detail.
One of the things that makes this sin dangerous is the fact that shaytan
has prepared a thousand and one excuses for you to say to people who
question your relationship. For example, when people ask you why are you
talking to so and so on the phone, you would say "oh, its just for
work" or "oh, we have a project due next week that we need to work on".
Yet, what percentage of that talk actually goes towards your project or
work? How many of your texts and emails are actually related to that
Islamic organization you are involved in? Where are your other team
members in this "project" you're working on? Why do you need to go to a
study room, where no one can see you two together, in order to "study"
for a class? Why do you really need to take the bus or train home
together? Why do you really have to call each other at midnight and talk
for two hours about "work"? If you really need to study together, bring
another classmate to minimize the fitna. If you can, wait a few minutes
for the person person to go home before going home yourself. If you
must talk on the phone about work, do it at a better time during the
day. And if these excuses really are 100% legitimate, then conversations
should be short, straight to the point, and professional.
I am not saying to go on the extreme and just stop talking to one
another, but trust me when I say that anything you do that is beyond
your legitimate excuses tend to show and becomes obvious that you two
are doing more than just "work".
A dangerous factor of this sin is how it can lead to adultery. Of
course, you might say that it is extremely haram and that you will never
reach that point. But if you were able to reach to the point of talking
and flirting with one another in a way that seems natural, its not hard
to imagine how you two can be sucked into hugging, kissing, and
eventually, sex. This is definitely not as far-fetched as it may seem
and it is one of many tricks shaytan plays on you in order to avoid
realizing that you're more closer to adultery than you thought. And if
you never think it'll reach that far, then you may want to consider why
Allah (SWT) told us to lower our gazes. Anything that Allah has declared
haram is haram from the ROOT or SOURCE of that act or thing. I'll leave
you to reflect on that.
Another dangerous factor of this sin is the mental and emotional effect
it has on a person. The relationship is not official. Even if it was, no
one will be able to testify to that since it is in secret. Thus, seeing
your partner with another man or women will pain you. Especially if
your partner always seems to have a good time when he/she is with that
person. Another thing is that although you guys have expressed how much
you love one another, it tends to be frustrating cause you really can't
do anything that a married couple can do. This leads to that adultery
point I mentioned before.
Most importantly, if you or your partner's parents reject your marriage
proposal in the future, then you're in for a real mess. If you both end
up married but never completely got over each other, than you two will
always compare your current spouses with each other. You will always
wonder how life would have been if you two were together. You may end up
having an affair in secret after marriage causing you to feel
tremendous guilt every time you go home or worse; you may not even feel
anything at all which will cause the relationship with your spouse to
diminish since you won't be giving your spouse the attention he/she
needs. You may even run away from home to be with this person. Trust me
when I say that this is not as far-fetched as it may seem. When getting
married the halal way, you always think with your mind to see the other
person's characteristics and personality. When you fall in love with
someone, your heart does all the thinking. It clouds your judgement and
makes you act irrational sometimes (if that happens after marriage, then
that's good!). Hence the reason Allah doesn't hold you accountable for
the love you feel in your heart but rather, He holds you accountable for
what led to that feeling.
It is not speaking
about treating them equally when it comes to emotions. You cannot
EQUALLY love two people. You cannot control your heart. Even most
parents would tend to love one child just a little bit more than the
other while loving them all very much at the same time. So when it comes
to emotions you cannot be equal...
You will never be able to be
just to, to treat equally, your wives, in terms of love, even if you be
eager, for this; yet do not turn altogether away, towards the one you
love with respect to the shares and maintenance expenses, so that you
leave her, the one from whom you turn away, like one suspended, one that
is neither a slavegirl nor a woman with a husband. If you set things
right, by being just with the shares, and are wary, of injustice, surely
God is ever Forgiving, regarding the inclination in your hearts,
Merciful, to you in this respect. (Jalal ud-Din Siyuti, Tafsir
al-Jalalayn, Commentary on Surah 4:129)
When one of you moves on but the other can't, that person will always
think about you. That person will always want to be in your life no
matter how much you distance yourself. That person will try to get your
attention through means you can't avoid. If you're married, that person
can harass your spouse and make your life miserable while digging
themselves into a deeper hole. When that person gets marriage proposals
from people that are better than you, that person will compare them with
you and reject them because they can never be you. If that person
rejects many of these proposals, that person may end up never getting
married. It can take months or even years before that person can get
over it and if that person's imaan isn't high enough, they may reject
Islam or even commit suicide.
These "Muslimized relationships" are happening all over the west. It is
occurring all over our colleges, jobs, MSA's and volunteers of ICNA,
ISNA, and whatever. It can start in many ways such as a friend telling
the person you like, that you like them. Then one of you have the guts
to disobey Allah (SWT) first and start talking to one another, meeting
in study rooms, going to Islamic Events together, texting and talking on
the phone for hours, etc. It can start from getting each others phone
numbers or adding each other on Facebook. From there, you guys talk
until it becomes apparent to you both that you like one another. It can
start by taking the same train or bus home on a constant basis until one
of you initiates small talk that turns into a relationship. It can even
start by catching each other looking at one another during classes,
lectures, or events. Which then again, causes one of you to have the
guts to disobey Allah (SWT) first.
Sometimes you talk to many women or men as "friends" but if its useless
talk and is nothing productive, than I highly suggest you stop. I read
once about a person who was married and had children too. Problem was,
he was talking/flirting to a lot of women via texting. It took him 3
years(!!!) to stop. Imagine that, it took him 3 years to stop texting,
yet you expect to have the power to end your relationship in a snap?
We're all weak human begins. None of us can be sinless like the Prophets
of Allah. However, we must not let shaytan fool ourselves into doing
things that are clearly forbidden in Islam. My only solution for anyone
in a relationship and wants to stop is to fear Allah, and cut it from
the source and end all communications. It may not be what you want to
hear, but there are no shortcuts you can take. If any of you are at the
beginning phases or feel like it might happen to you if you continue
along your current path, then know the dangers that I've mentioned above
and pray to Allah to guide you to the straight path.
May Allah guide all the Muslim youth to the straight path, protect us
from shaytan, and make us among the people who will go to heaven. Ameen.
If I said anything wrong or offensive to someone, then please forgive me.